The Beliefs That Quietly Hold Us Back

“Marge actually line dances with her walker!” beamed Edna.  We were gathered around the elevator at the independent living center having a lively discussion about walkers. Mom was talking about the possibilities of replacing hers and was getting all kinds of advice. She was deciding about moving to this amazing facility - it was like a small city of activity and joy. We continued our tour, maneuvering mom and her walker through all the opportunities available to her. 

Later that day I found Mom sitting at her table, looking out of the window despondently. I touched her shoulder and she turned to me with tears in her eyes, "I don't think I'm mobile enough to go there. No one else had walkers." 

I stared at her and blinked. I gently reminded her of the conversation at the elevator, at the number of people I saw using walkers and wheel chairs there. 

And I got it. We see what we want to see, what we already believe to be true despite the facts in front of us.

A few days later I got a message from Gabriel — the man whose crew had been mowing down the overgrowth on my land in Costa Rica. This was his third round of taming the wildness into a cooperative, mild layer of something resembling crab grass. (It’s actually beautiful — manicured — and snakes don’t like grass that short.)

His message said he had tried to enter the property to mow, but the man next door had blocked him and told him, in no uncertain terms, that he could not come in because he had been given that job.

Jose and I had talked last April about the possibility of him helping me maintain the property. I immediately messaged him and told him to let Gabriel onto the land and firmly told him that he could not bar people from entering the property if I was working with them. I reminded him we would talk more about maintenance possibilities when I arrived in January — a conversation we had already had.

I wrote back to Gabriel and told him to go ahead.He responded: “I don’t think I want to do that right now. José is a violent man.”

My heart dropped. My stomach clenched.This was a neighbor I had mentally placed on my Costa Rica “team.” The last thing I wanted was an angry neighbor with a vendetta.

I agonized over how to respond. Should I appease his ego? Or step into a firm, take-charge stance — this is my land and I will brook no nonsense? I felt overwhelmed. How was I going to manage two men in another country, in another language, as a woman from another culture — and from so far away?

I messaged Gustavo — my architect, project overseer, and guardian angel — simply to let him know what was happening in case they contacted him.

He responded immediately.He reminded me that he was overseeing the project. He was the one hiring the workers for the land — he had hired Gabriel. He said he would have a face-to-face conversation with José and make it clear that he was the gatekeeper and would be the one evaluating anyone’s work.

He told me he would take responsibility for managing these relationships — and that he would be my advocate.

I will confess that I cried. I was so relieved.

Like my mother at the independent living center, I had a firmly established belief that everything was up to me, that I had no help and that I was probably inadequate for the task. But the help has been there all along. The team I have in Costa Rica has been in place from the beginning - the architect/project manager, the lawyer, the accountant/ bookkeeper. All amazing, skilled people committed to me and my dream. 

So my ongoing question for you and for me is, "what beliefs do I have imbedded in me about myself and the world that are just plain not true?" And more importantly, am I willing to see them when I bump up against them? and reevaluate them for change? 

You are supported, you are not alone, you are not behind or inadequate. You are exactly where you need to be and who you need to be. There is support all around you ready to help.